Last updated on October 26, 2020
I wouldn’t call myself depressed because I know how that feels. But I would say I’m slipping back into it. I find myself running back to past comforts seeking the same result and the same high, but I find instead a need for another fix. My vice or addiction is sexual sin. I look for anything that will take the edge, pressure, pain, guilt, etc. that I feel daily. Some days are better than others and I’ve been doing well lately. Then something comes along and triggers a need to escape.
I feel so selfish in my sin. It is like I only seek “relationships” from those I can use to fill my void. As a female, it’s hard for me to shut off my emotions. As hard as I try, they always end up getting the best of me. I try to change only to prolong the inevitable.
I seek constant reassurance that everything will be all right. While knowing God has told me that a thousand times over. I know I have more faith in God than what I think. How do I get myself to believe me?
I have lost all motivation to do anything beyond the necessary. I maintain an outward appearance of a person who’s got a lot on her plate but still manages to pull off everything with grace. (I exaggerated a little.)
If some more history would help. I used to be a student-athlete working a part-time job. Now I work a full and part-time job. I’m single (for the most part) and always have been. I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs, but I have been pretty deep into alcohol in my past.
I read through a couple of other questions people have asked. The one that stood out was: “Why are you doing the things you are doing?” This question makes me feel like I have failed God. By not having the courage, the will power, or the love enough for Him to stop doing what I’m doing and fight for Him. When is enough, enough?
I gather you are despondent because you haven’t been faithful to God because you have been involved in drinking in the past and you periodically get involved in fornication. For you, sex is a form of self-affirmation that you are worth something to someone, even though you are really not attached to those you have sex with and the relationships don’t last. Sex becomes a mood lifter to you and you seek out orgasms the way a drug addict does, and like the addict, you find that it doesn’t really fix the problem, but you keep hoping the next one will be better.
Have I understood you properly? I don’t want to go into a long answer only to find that I’m off track.